Online Summer Journal Time

Internet World--I will address you in this fashion because it makes me feel like this is 2003 and I'm one of the pioneer bloggers, which of course, I am not--but that is besides the point.

As I was just journaling and the ink of pen ran low, the Lord just told me to blog, and who am I to say no. So here we are.

I was just beginning to write in my journal that I think my heart is changing, and this is a good, though for me, scary thing. I just finished reading Kisses from Katie about a young woman, Katie Davis, who moved to Uganda following her senior year, and in the process adopted 13 beautiful young girls, founded her own nonprofit serving her native Ugandan community, and set her eyes on the Lord for all her strength and simply said, "yes" to him--and to all of him.

Her story is inspiring, convicting and very, very real. Check out amazima.org for more info on her work, and how you can get involved too! May the Lord continue to bless her and her work! Love. it.

Anywh0o0o--Here is how it, and my present circumstances, left me feeling. I'll use bullets because it makes it easier for me to process.

• Katie writes about, pretty bluntly, she doesn't think it was God's intention ever for us to live for the sake of comfort and mediocrity, but rather to serve the "least of these," to love our neighbors as ourselves and to love unconditionally and radically. To do this all for Him. To do this because He loved us first, showed us what real, unconditional love was when Jesus died on the cross, and because He continues to love us today despite our iniquities. 

Meaning, my current plans to work and work and work, and climb a corporate ladder or two, so that I can live comfortably and so that I can put my kids (future kids, obvs) in good schools and then spend the summers on nice vacations, etc., etc. etc. MAY just not be how God intends for me to live out tomorrow--and even today--and I completely agree. 

• I have always felt intuitively that God would use me in some way to help the world, and like Katie I want to say yes, but I unlike Katie, I fear that my "self" consumes a bit too much of my day to day for me to really pursue this (whatever it may look like). I pray that I can focus wholeheartedly on the Lord, so that His strength, courage and boldness can fill me and I will say yes when I know I've been equipped and called.
• Yes, I'm about 90 percent positive that my plans and my family's plans for my life and the Lord's plans for me will intersect in the near future, and the Lord will wreck my life beautifully, and I have faith, in the best possible ways.
• I love the concept of giving away your life to truly save it, and I pray that I can love unconditionally and spread da JOY to the ends of the earth or to wherever it is needed.
• I know that the Lord is not done with me where I'm at. I pray that I not be blinded by comforts at home, and set my eyes on Him for strength and hope. 
• I am praying that I can derive my joy solely in the Lord, that He will delight me continually and truly, because I have always sourced it from my relationships, from acceptance, from earthly things. 
• I know the Lord, and this is a new one, uses my weaknesses to keep my centered on Him. In a life where it's easy to stay afloat and comfortable, the Lord uses darkness or struggles around me to keep me dependent on Him--something for which I am grateful because it is true that I need Him. 

So there you go. I am inevitably leaving out some piece of recent wisdom that the Lord will remind me of in five minutes, in which I will hit my head, and it will all sink in again, and this time hopefully last. 

Praying always that the Lord will continue to open up my heart and fill me of Him. I want to love unconditionally all the time, and say "yes" to Him . So blessed to have read Katie Davis' story. I recommend it. Completely. 

Life. Yes, life.

Wow. It really has been a long time since I put anything up on my little handy dandy prayer blog. I know that  I began this project as a way to make myself accountable, and encourage intimacy with the Lord. The beginnings of summers always hold so much expectation, hope and promise, and I think I may have had grander plans for this thing than what it's become.

But that's all besides the point. I was trying to bring glory to my little blog to show off to my family and friends by telling each week of my prayer awakenings. This is not about me, though. What can I say, God has a great way of redirecting my attention. I haven't updated mainly because my lack of updates kept on and on, and I started to feel guilty and ashamed for "failing." Again, completely ridiculous.

I have to be honest to anyone in the world reading this, and to myself for that matter. I may or may not update this thing for a while, but I just want to share with the Internet a few things that I'm learning about myself and of the Lord's grace. Whatever I write is true of myself right now at this moment. Some wisdom may be God-given, some may be things that I've gathered, and some may be preposterous. Who knows.

• Without a spirit of continuous humble, real thanksgiving, you will lose the joy as you center your world on yourself, your earthly desires, you, you, you--and by you, I mean me. Counting blessings, both tangible and abstract, help me stay centered on my God and the redemption he offered me when He sent His son to die on the cross. It's not always easy to do this in hard times or when the community doesn't share the same gratitude, but attempting to grasp a glimpse of just how deep and wide the love of Jesus is the only way to live. With the joy of knowing you have a loving father.

• I am selfish. I've used prayer with the intentions of increasing my own gain, which of course, only makes me want to pray more and more to lose more of myself and instead grow toward mirroring the heart of Jesus. Please pray with me on this one anybody, because this one is not the easiest for me.

• Compassion is beautiful. Lord, I pray for more and more of your compassion and ability to empathize. I want to love deeply, wholly and truly, and hurt for what hurts others, and then truly, earnestly and sincerely love my brothers and sisters of the world. 

• I don't have all the answers, and don't have to pretend like I do. There is no shame in owning what I know and learning the rest. I pray to want to be more of a learner from people and things. I don't want pride to come in between me and knowledge, experience or wisdom.

• Satan does chain me. In insecurities, in fears, in doubts. It's easy to see his mark during the day, and sometimes hard to focus on the Lord's goodness and victory. I pray that I continue to recognize more and more of Satan's work, so that I can better guard my heart against it and walk in the joy of the lord. 

•  I want  to have fun, to laugh, to share meaningful, deep experiences and connections, and live my life not afraid to love. I never want to regret not loving enough. My heart has enough room for the whole world, and I want to love on them. 

• I am who I am--whatever that means, and I have to embrace it and walk in the confidence of my individuality.